Becky Walker helps adoptive parents to deal with the reality of the challenges presented by their adopted child
BECKY WALKER SHOWCASED ON THE STRIP LIVE FOR VEGASNET MEDIA
TheStripLIVE.com | LAS VEGAS | Media Showcase | Interview with celebrity guest Becky Walker for THE STRIP LIVE celebrity talk show | Director’s cut | Join new media producers and celebrity positioning specialists Maria Ngo and Ray DuGray as they hangout and showcase Becky Walker (Founder of Beyond Adoptions Inc.) on location at the VIP MasterCAST LIVE inside the Bellagio Las Vegas.
In this interview, Becky Walker provides expert advice to adoptive parents on creating a harmonious home environment and how to bond with an adopted child.
To watch more interviews showcasing success stories from top celebrities entrepreneurs, and industry experts live from Las Vegas, visit TheStripLIVE.com.
—[BEGINNING OF TRANSCRIPT] [Maria Ngo] My guest expert today is Becky Walker from Beyond Adoptions and she’s going to share some tips and her story of if you are a parent who has adopted a child and you’re not quite bonding, she is your answer. She is your solution and we’re so happy to have you here Thank You, Becky. [Becky Walker] Thank You, Maria. It’s great to be back again. [Maria Ngo] So, I want to kinda get to pass you, you adopted a six-year-old Russian child. You were struggling with the bonding process and you were out looking for resources and one of the things that you found with this whole difficult process was that something very profound about having to make a change. What was that change? [Becky Walker] Well, the truth of the matter is that I came to a realization that in order to have the connected relationship that I was wanting and to be able to live in peace inside of our own home. I realized that the responsibility was mine as the parent and the adult and the realization that I came to, was that I had to change my approach to her. And so I set out on a path to do this. I had to make a change and after it took place after we had discovered ways that we
could connect or after I had discovered the ways and we had practiced it and had been successful and so forth, it was interesting because people would come to me and they say, ‘Wow! She has changed so much.’ And what I would say to them is, ‘You know, she didn’t change, I’m the one who changed. I changed in order to give her a safe space in which she could do the healing work that she needed to do because she had always been doing the
best that she could. I had been doing the best that I could, but the best that I could do before was not what was going to help her and I changed that. [Maria Ngo] Wow, that’s extremely powerful and whoa! I’m like beside myself right now with that. So within that change, you also realized that your child didn’t know what it was that she was feeling, what she was struggling with, why she was acting and acting out. So you always say, “Don’t look at the behavior. Don’t try to change the behavior.’ What are you supposed to look for? [Becky Walker] So you know, our first place that we’d go to is the behavior, because we don’t like it. It affects us. It triggers us. It embarrasses us or it’s just maybe annoying and we go after the behavior but you’re right. What I found was, that the behavior is just a clue to something else and I found that other than behaviors where maybe she was in danger or she was going to endanger somebody else because. We always want to take care of those. We always want to be in a safe place but the other behaviors that I found annoying or weren’t quite in line with what I wanted them to be, I found that I needed to stop and become present and look for the feelings and the needs that were behind that behavior because I have a firm belief that all behaviors, all disruptive behaviors are an indication of a need that the child is trying to meet. [Maria Ngo] So there are actually I think, you said three common and needs that children who are adopted have. What are those three needs? [Becky Walker] So, three very prominent ones are that they have a need for choice, a lot of things have happened didn’t get to choose. They didn’t get to choose for their birth mother to begun or to be adopted or to be in foster care. Another one is for safety. They have a lot of anxiety and we would too. It’s a normal response to the fact that their world has been one where maybe they’ve had neglect or maybe there’s been abuse or maybe they’ve just been moved around a lot which is also the third one, which is that they need stability, you know. Because there’s no stability in life when you’re moved from one place to another. Even if you’re moved from one good place, one good safe place in the foster care system to another good safe place in the foster care system, life isn’t stable. You’re having to give up a lot to make those moves and move on to something new. So they have great needs for those three things. [Maria Ngo] So Becky, tell me how are you helping parents who are going through this similar situation because you’ve gone through, you actually have a process to help them. What are you doing for them? [Becky Walker] So the first thing that I do is I tell parents that I understand what they’re dealing with. I’ve been where they’ve been. I know how subtle some of the behaviors can be. I know what it’s like when my child is absolutely picture-perfect polite with other people but inside of our home is doing things to push us away and to stay in a place of being upset and unhappy. So I get what’s going on with these parents. I understand what they’re feeling. I understand that sometimes they just need someone to talk to. So the first thing that I provide is a place where without judgment a parent can come and say, “This is what I’m really feeling. This is what I’m really experiencing because sometimes they’re just exhausted and they don’t want to exhaust their friends and their family anymore or maybe their family and friends don’t accept that what they’re experiencing is really what’s going on. So that’s the first thing I do and then because the ultimate goal is to get to a connected place, no matter what the circumstances are and no matter where that child winds up behaviorally, it is possible to get to a connected place to get to a more connected place with that child. And we do that through understanding why their behaviors are? What are they? What causes them? What the trauma base is for it and then also the practice communication techniques that are compassionate and empathetic and get to those feelings and needs that I talked about while ago. [Maria Ngo] Fantastic. Well, thank you so much for the wonderful work that you’re doing and I think even ‘beyond the adoptions’ which is the name of your company I think, there are many families who can use your help and so the words of wisdom I like for you to close with is to speak to those parents who are struggling, who are wanting help right now, who are looking for that solution. What can you say to them to encourage them to have that relationship to say it’s worth it and to stick it out? [Becky Walker] So what I say to parents is take care of yourself. Okay? The first thing, the thing that provides security to a child so that they can do the other things that they need to do in terms of healing is directly related to how stable you are, right? So take care of yourself. If you’re in a relationship and there are two parents in the situation, then you need to be very careful about taking care of that relationship so that you can have a united friend and be kind to yourself. Even when you do something and you say to yourself, “I didn’t do that the right way.’ There’s another opportunity to do it differently. So really just give yourself self-empathy and be kind to yourself because you are there. You are the right parent. You’re gonna get this. [Maria Ngo] Right on. Well, thank you so much, Becky Walker for everything you’re doing. We’re so happy to have you here in Las Vegas and thank you for helping all those parents. [Becky Walker] Great! Thank You, Maria. It’s been great to see you again. Thanks. [END OF TRANSCRIPT]